Superhero Do’s and Don’ts
- September 20, 2002
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NOTE: Every time I read this, I laugh so hard I cry. I thought you might like it as well. I told you the posts wouldn’t be political.
Rules for choosing a superhero name:
• Don’t call yourself by your real name, e.g.
Mr. Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster
• Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name, e.g.
Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin
• Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g.
Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman
• Don’t be too modest, e.g.
Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredible Man
• But don’t labour the point eg,
Mr. So-F***ing-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy
• Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g.
Captain Spongecake, Mr. Asshole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil
• Don’t choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
• It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It’s just asking for trouble.
• Don’t call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you’re not.
• Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you’re a girl.
• Don’t call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you’re a man--even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body
• Don’t give away any important information in your name e.g.
The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable to Strontium 90
• Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume, you’ll confuse people
Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle:
• Titanium steel plating
• Electronic groinal defense shield
• Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains)
• Acid-resistant gonad shroud
• Asbestos fire-blanket
• Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator
• Love Blob auto-security screen
• All of the above, simultaneously
Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle:
• Glass jockstrap
• Epileptic lobsters
• Bear trap with a dodgy spring
• Napalm
• 5 lbs. of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains)
• 4 gallons of quick-drying cement
• Your barbed-wire collection
• Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot
• A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades
Supervillains You Want to Tackle:
• Fishpaste Sandwich Maker
• Baron Scaredy-Cat
• The Crochet Master
• Mr. White Knuckles
• Nosebleed Boy
• Dr. Scared Shitless
• Bondage Damsel
• Sissy Man
Supervillains to Avoid:
• Emitorr, the Nuclear Radiation Man
• Thargorr the Planet Crusher
• Dr. Slaughterhouse
• Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme
• Dr. Disemboweller
• The Slasher From Beyond the Stars
• Krisparr the Incinerator
• Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer
• Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You